Dilemma to Decision: A walk through my thought process
I’m about to take you through my thought process from dilemma to resolution. I decided to do this as I’ve been wrestling through one of the most major decisions of my life, the issue of choosing to plant my roots where I am, or of “waiting to see if God has different plans.”
You see, I’ve always had a gypsy spirit and wanderer’s way about me. Circumstances may have dictated my movement—never in one home for more than three years of my life—but I liked it that way. My eagerness for newness and change made every move an exciting adventure. New neighbourhoods, new schools, new friends, new towns, new countries, new continent.
I’ve also always lived a life of Faith; a life of, “here I am, Lord, send me.” I once had a dream—a story in itself, that I won’t tell now—where the main message was “your mission field is your own backyard.” So, wherever I’ve gone, I’ve considered it my mission field. That being said, I’ve reached a point in my life where I finally feel like settling down and planting my roots; and to be honest, it’s a bit scary. Every time I think about it, my stomach does a somersault. I’ve never decided to stay anywhere in my life! And I never believed I had much say in the matter.
I’m actually writing a song about this. I thought it apt to share. It’s called ...
I Will Fly
Waiting on word from the wind
Looking for the signs in my life
Searching for the answers to the who and what and when
The where, the how and the why.
Listening to the call of my heart.
Able, but not so willing, to make a new start
Following the path that the Spirit paves for me
I Am free, I Am free.
Like a gypsy, moved by the wind, I will fly.
And like a gypsy, movin on again, I will fly.
Never tend to take the road well-travelled
The life of the crowd it ain’t my thing.
Got a mind of my own,
that’s what my mama said to me
I Am free, I Am free.
Never stayed in one place for too long.
A vagabond longing for a place to call my own,
a place to call my home.
Pulled between the hemispheres,
with fears I’ll never get to settle down
And plant my roots in solid ground.
But I’m swaying with the way of the wind
Wondering when and if I’ll be lifted off again
Whether here or there or somewhere in between
I am free, I m free.
‘Cause like a gypsy, moved by the wind, I will fly.
And like a gypsy, movin on again, I will fly.
Music and lyrics by Leah Kirrane © 2021
So, what’s to be done about this dilemma, because I believe my indecision is slowing my forward momentum. Do I have any say in the matter? Do I even really have to choose?
Let’s weigh some pros and cons:
South Africa or the US? My family is in the States: oldest son and daughter-in-law, grandkids, siblings and ageing parents (ailing mother), in-laws, the kids’ cousins... I miss them so much and wish I could be there with them and for them. I want to see my grandboys grow up and be a part of their lives. Sadness pulls my heart in that direction.
On the other hand, our family’s roots have begun to settle in this little South African mountain town, and we’ve all reached a place of stability that none of us has ever experienced before. We’ve made good friends, our children are happy and involved in community activities. I’ve just begun some new community projects (I’ll tell you about them below). Cameron’s videotography service is gaining a reputation, and we’ve finally found the perfect place for The Omni Foundation, to build our dream and bring our vision to fruition. Is it meant to be?
Here, we live, in the mountains (always my desire), with clean air, pure water, and no vaccine mandates (as yet). Do I want to return to Central California, where drought is frequent, the air is some of the worst in the nation, and authoritarianism is becoming the political norm?
Would uprooting now be more painful than the home-sickness I frequently feel? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would, especially for our children.
With these pros and cons, it seems like a no-brainer, but then there’s that whole, “Where you lead, I’ll follow, Lord” mentality I feel bound to.
Wait a minute…Click.
“I feel bound to?”
Is bondage to a lingering religious belief my motive? Is it truly God’s desire that I relinquish my dream, what I believe to be my purpose, to return home where no one shares my vision?
What type of life do I promote and speak and sing about? Freedom and Self sovereignty or bondage to a cruel and arbitrary higher power?
What motive would I rather have move me? Guilt and martyrdom or Courage and Victory?
My old religious beliefs held me to a martyr’s mindset: If it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t help. If it isn’t painful, it isn’t valuable.
Is that what I still think and how I now see?
To be honest, that frame of reference still clouds my vision, sometimes. How many of us hold on to that perspective? I know I’m not the only one, because this religious doctrine and dogma is widespread. Is it any wonder we stay stuck in cycles of guilt and regret?
What if, I don’t even ultimately have to choose?
Actually, the Omni dream is to become a model of intentional, regenerative community. Just because we build in South Africa, doesn’t mean we can’t also build in the US, and God knows where else.
Wouldn’t it be grand to return to the States with a model of success to share?
Why think small, when I can have it all?
Yes, unfortunately, I will miss the young years of my grandboys ( I already have), but isn’t it cool to be the grandmother in Africa that family can visit? And aren’t all these things I’ve considered the very signs that point me in the right direction? Desire, mission, circumstance, all working together for my good? Is this not the leading of the Spirit?
Believe it or not, I began this blog with a dilemma, and here I’ve now come to a solution, finally aligning my heart and my mind. Once that happens, the path forward is clear and navigable. Intentions set on full frequency. Let’s see how the path unwinds…
That’s the future, but what about the NOW?
Here’s what’s going on:
New Music, New Projects, New Opportunities, New Adventures to be had!
1. I’ve started two music groups in Graskop: One is with the Children and Youth Care Center (CYCC)—not an orphanage, but a home for children in need of safe haven. (Due to the nature of the CYCC, I am unable to publish pictures of the children). So far, three practices in, things are going great! We’re preparing for the Graskop Community Christmas festivities along with the second group: The Graskop Community Music Group, which is currently only adults, but f children want to join, they are welcome as well.
2. I performed my first gig in Nelspruit, at Kingfisher’s Country Kitchen and Smokehouse, singing more than I have ever sung before! Nearly two hours of originals and covers (50/50) that the crowd (and management) responded to very well. Many thanks to Court Gibson of Mpumalanga Social Media and Two Caps & a Coin, who booked the gig and played a set. Other thanks goes to Skolly Skalwani who provided sound, and a shout out to Matt and Lee who provided improv jams on bass and drums to keep the place hopin’.
3. WATER FOR LIFE!
Is the fundraising campaign just launched to raise money for a borehole for God’s Will Children Foundation, in Uganda. Check out the video.
4. In conjunction with the launching of “Water for Life,” is the release of my song, “Water,” one of the first I ever wrote. I also released my latest song, “Go with the Flow.” Click the links to download for free!
5. Check out Cameron’s and my first YouTube interview with Victoria Reynolds,on Fearless and Free TV; all about our Omni dreams and intentional community.
6. As I mentioned earlier, in this blog, we’ve come across what we consider to be the perfect land to plant our roots and build our first Omni Foundation Soul Sanctuary. The property is the former Lisbon Hideaway lodge, located a few km outside of Graskop. Is it meant to be? We sure hope so. We ask anyone reading this to help us out by sending good thoughts and intentions our way. Thank you, in advance.
7. And one last update: I was hoping to receive all the equipment I need to start my own home-recording, but, unfortunately, the package with my mic and headphones got lost in transition. Will have to wait a few more weeks. I‘m going to have to wait a few more weeks before I can dive into that new career education. That’s ok, I usually have to rest awhile after finishing our magazine.
Speaking of Omni Vision magazine, This blog is the last article I need to place and I’m ready to be done. Publication out Oct. 1. So, I think that about wraps it up for this quarter. Looking forward to all that unfolds!
Peace to you!